The Beauty of Scars

March 7, 2015

“The Beauty of Scars”

Galatians 6:17

¹⁷ Quite frankly, I don’t want to be bothered anymore by these disputes. I have far more important things to do—the serious living of this faith. I bear in my body scars from my service to Jesus.

“Scars are the map of the journey of our lives. They tell the starting line, the work God has done through our lives and the victories in order to get to the final destination we are meant for.” - CAL

In July of 2002 I had threw my back out. As a result I ended up getting a microdiscetomy at L4/L5 on my spine where the surgeon cut out roughly 40% of one of my discs. It was by far one of the most excruciating things I had gone through physically. After the surgery most of the pain was gone and I was left with just some weakness and a three inch scar on my lower back.

For years my kids would talk about the scar I had on my back. In a strange way it brought them a sense of comfort as it was an identifying mark for them to know that I was their father. It was almost like a signature or birthmark.

What happens though when those scars are hidden from the visual and are part of your soul. All of us have these battle scars of the soul. Maybe they are just the three inch scar of moving away from the place you grew up or having to sell a favorite possession. To others though, it is a lacerating scar across your soul reaching head to toe like a death or divorce.

Have you ever wondered what the purpose of scars are for? They can look ugly, create pain and send use into a spirit of insecurity and depression. Mandisa explains the purpose of scars in her song “What Scars are for.”

They remind me of Your faithfulness

And all You brought me through

They teach me that my brokenness

Is something You can use

They show me where I've been

And that I'm not there anymore

That's what scars, that's what scars

You show me that's what scars are for.

As I reflected on the journey I have gone through I found that it is important to reflect on my scars, not to relive the past rather to appreciate where God has brought me. Almost exactly one year ago to date (March 13, 2014) a judge with malicious intent wrote an order to keep me from my kids, this after interference with my visitation and relationship with them for almost six years. I have to say not a day goes by remembering the injustice that transpired, my children and the scar that had ripped my heart out tearing away flesh and muscle and leaving a hole where joy has turned to distant memories and future promises. There have been many times I have had to seek God’s hand of intricate plastic surgery to cut away the overgrowth of the scar and soften what once looked ugly.

Some have asked what I would do differently and if I could change things. All I can say is I am glad God brought me to where I am today. My kids are my life but the relationship I have with God is my lifeline and without that my children would not be who they are today or who God will make them tomorrow to carry on the plans He has for them.

As we near Easter though I could not help but continue to think about the scars and pain that happened on my behalf. Two thousand years ago Jesus had gone to a cross, bled for me, took nails in His hands and feet and had His side cut open. He saw me where I am today and said “Yes I will take these scars because I know the legacy he has to carry out the plans tomorrow that my Father has for him.”

Just as a father who has struggled with the scars of the relationship with his kids Christ took on those scars for me to have a relationship with the Father because He understood the lifeline and the plans that where ahead.  It can be so easy to forget the price paid for where we are and where God is leading.

It is always necessary though to reflect on the scars because of where we have come from and where God is taking us. Today I wear those scars not as a reminder of the pain rather as a reminder of the promise. It is through those scars that I am free. It is through those scars I have victory. It is through those scars I am made new.

CAL

Feeling the Love

"Feeling the Love"

John 15:13New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

Yes it was just 15 years ago this evening I found myself in the hospital. No it wasn't because I was sick or had a problem. Instead it was because of something else. Something amazing which I only had experienced but one other time before. This was a little different than the previous time only because it was the birth of my son, Caleb. I was there for just the second time, at this point, to witness the birth of my first son after having a beautiful little girl.

Many thoughts flood over me when Valentines Day rolls around. The greatest would have to be the day when my oldest son was born. He is not much of a baby anymore towering at 5'-8" wearing a size 12 men's shoes. The hardest thing though is not seeing his smiling face or hearing his quirky goofiness as the miracle of life can be tainted by the tragedy of divorce.

I would do anything for my kids. I have held them when they were young. I have blessed them both in good times and bad. I have celebrated their life and not a day goes by where I don't think about them. I have even fought for their best interests and would even lay down my life for them.

Have you ever found yourself saying that you would die for someone? Maybe it is a spouse, a close friend, a child with a disability or simply your child who has experienced a traumatic thing. When things are good it is so easy to say that you would die for someone, but what happens when you have been beaten down or worse yet lay your life down for a loved one who has rejected you, denied you, and spit in your face? Can you love that person enough to be accused and blamed for something you didn't do and be punished as a result?

Is it really worth it?

There have been days I have asked that same question after going into court time and again, being beaten down, having everything taken away then taunted by the emotions and hateful accusations of the one one you have resolved to put your life down for. I have had to reflect back on things and my answer is always the same, without a shadow of doubt I would put my life on the line for my kids. They are worth everything I can give or do for them because they are the future of what God can do through them for His glory.

Last weekend my church celebrated their 5 year anniversary. So at bible study we talked about all the things God has done through our church and what things could happen in the next 5 years. We went further and started talking about leaving a legacy. As I sat and listened I thought about a particular person who ended up giving up their life for others and how she impacted so many people over the last several decades. Here is just a bit of her story.

On August 26, 1910 a baby girl was born in Skopje, which was part of Albania. Her parents gave her the name Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu. Now Agnes was fascinated with missions and missionaries from a young age. What she didn't know was how pivotal she would be to the lives of so many. In her early years she left home and devoted herself to the church. She became a nun and got to live her dream serving as a missionary in India. What she realized was the pull that she had was to save as many people as she could from poverty and death. She ended up living on the streets with those who where poor and risking her life and health for just another person.

As others saw what she was doing the joined her vision. Some brought aid others recognized her for her accomplishments and yet because of her resolve was nominated and won the Nobel Peace Prize.

What Mother Teresa found out was your life is worth laying down for another. She could have so easily said that the task was too hard or questioned if it were worth the cost. The reality is she showed love by laying down her life for others, sacrificing the desires we all have and valuing people as God's creation.

Likewise Christ did the same thing. He laid down His life for you. Just like the mean things said to me or about me from my kids and my resolve to love them unconditionally so did Christ while we were still sinners. We have said those words I hate you, rejected His good plan for use and have even thought we knew what was best for us, but He still loved us without condition and gave His life while we didn't really even know Him.

So when times are rough in your marriage, in the relationship with your kids, with a boss or coworker or the demanding of a parent, ask yourself "Are you feeling the love?" If you can answer no because someone has hurt you then ask yourself if you think the other person is feeling the love. Chances are that they don't either. Be that friend who will love God upwardly, love yourself inwardly and love others completely.

Our lives are a reflection of God's love in a much bigger picture.

CAL

Healing Tears

Healing Tears

Psalm 56:8

8 You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn
    through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
    each ache written in your book.

Here we are at the end of one year and the cusp of yet another.

If you were to term 2014 in one word you may have the following description;

 - Sorrow
 - Painful
 - hopeless
 - devastating
 - exhausting

Others may say it was;

Joyful
Blessed
Exciting
Fulfilling

Though as I sat to think about the year I had a hard time coming up with the right word. As I pondered I thought the most appropriate word for me was tears. "TEARS" whatever does that mean you may think?

As I have reflected on the events of this past year they were huge in very difficult ways yet something happened.....tears. Tears of sorrow were replaced with the tears of joy. Tears pain where traded with tears of gratitude.

From January 1 up to even just a few days ago there were tears. Here is just a sample.

January 1st through May 12th I was unemployed and frustration and dejection set in with tears. Yet in such a crazy twist of God's blessing here it was I was offered the best job I have had in 5 years due to the stability and security of the company ending with tears of joy.
March 13th a judge takes away all of my communication and visitation with my children whom I had not seen or talked to 9 months prior due to the cruelty of the courts and my ex-wife's actions. As a result I lost such a large part of my heart. In turn God gave me a fantastic support group including my fiancé, an amazing church family and friends who are going through similar things as myself. Tears of gratitude.
June was probably the most difficult move I have ever made. Yet God had provided. Tears yet again but this time for mixed reasons.
June a lawsuit by the state of Florida for child support due to actions of my ex covered with tears of frustration which was exchanged with peace.
October 20th a lawsuit by the Illinois courts courtesy of the GAL. Tears of frustration as I had to file a second appeal. Yet again peace and provision.
December 25th not seeing my kids or hearing from them and having tears of longing only to be reminded of the promise of their future resolving in tears of joy.

I think one of the toughest was finding the picture of my kids just a few days ago shared with others but myself, their dad, resulting in painful tears. As I thought about the picture though God has given me the reminder of His promise for my kids in leu of the pain of rejection.

As I have been preparing for this journal a lot has been going through my mind.

I was taken back to five years ago when this journey started. I remember the pray I cried out for days. It wasn't God I can't do this. No, it was "God I am so broken and I don't know how You can put me back together." It was there that I heard His voice say, "I took you beyond the process of being broken to where your heart has been crushed to powder. Being broken you can be made different or put back together with those hairline cracks. It is when you have been made into that powder I can add My living water to your brokenness and make you something new."

At the beginning of the year a song came out from a group called the Afters. The song is called Broken Hallelujah. In the song the writer surrenders his brokenness to God realizing that we cannot make it on our own and we must carry on but with our Creator's help. One line that strikes me hard. It says "When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed. Let me always sing hallelujah. And when I feel afraid don't let my hope be erased."

So if I were to really term 2014 it would have to be a year of HOPE. God gave me 2014 to realize that yesterday's pain is tomorrow's hope. A hope that soon I will see my kids again. A hope that this chaos will soon come to an end. A hope that the appellate court will do the right thing. A hope for a brighter tomorrow.

So as we enter into 2015 May this be your year of Hope and Fulfilled Promises.

CAL

A Light for the Christmas Tree

December 25, 2014

John 8:12

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

Christmas is filled with many lost traditions. As I sat in church the other day I was listening to my pastor talk about the significance of just some of the things the happened  at the advent of Christ. 

One of the things he had talked about was the significance of the shepherds. According to history the shepherds that were visited by the Heavenly Host were a special group of people unlike the standard farmer or cattle raiser. These groups of men would raise the sacrificial lambs for the atonement of sins and for the Passover feast. In doing so the would wrap the lambs in strips of cloth to ward off from any defects and impurities or even broken bones.

The parallel was far more than just coincidence. God chose the shepherds because they knew and understood the significance of the Messiah. He chose them simply because of the job they were called to do and the way they were to do so.

So I thought, 'What other traditions have been lost over time?' Do we understand why we put up a Christmas Tree or why it is ordained with lights? Do we understand the significance of giving gifts, what the Yule Log is or why fruit cake.

The focus I wanted to look at is the significance of the tree and the lights. As I was thinking about this I came back to Christmas 16 years ago. This was probably one of the most epic Christmases I will cherish. Just a few months earlier I had become a father to a baby girl. One night after dinner I turned out all of the lights, turned on the tree and laid there as my daughter was mesmerized by the twinkling lights. As a result Courtney fell asleep. As a father I watched as my little girl laid peacefully under the tree and thinking about a baby who laid under a twinkling sky bringing peace.

After a little research I needed to find out is there more to the tradition of the tree and lights? Why a pine tree? What about the lights?

Most of it was a German tradition which developed throughout the years of the Christian faith and family traditions. It is like what I heard one family doing as a tradition for their family based on the gifts of gold, myrrh and frankencense (gold-very valuable gift, myrrh-a gift for the soul, frankencense-a gift of clothing). In the 7th century a missionary had it on his heart to bring Christianity to the people of what we call Germany today. During the time the people had worship this towering oak tree which was considered sacred. The people were so moved that the tree was chopped down. In the following spring a Douglas fir grew up in the spot of the destroyed tree.

It wasn't until the 17th century that Christmas trees where brought into the home at Christmas and was reserved for the aristocratic families. As the trees were brought into the home they were ordained with candles that could not be lite form more than 30 minutes at a time and required someone with a bucket of water to remain as a spotter to assure the tree would not catch fire. The lights were added to remind those at the lighting of the tree of the light of the world as Christ coming to a dark world. Over time the lights have developed in style, color and use for Christmas.

As I have been taking this in about our crazy traditions I had to ask, 'have we lost the meaning of Christmas and even where our traditions have come from?' The truth is there is something more epic than watching the twinkle of the lights on a tree or loading up on gifts for the holidays. No it is more important than the shepherds, the carols or even the time with friends and family.

It is what happened over two thousand years ago.

It is the light that hung from a tree. 

It is that light in a cold dark world. 

It is the blood spilled at Calvary.

It is that price that was paid for me.

It is a Savior who became man.

It is the great I AM!

So as you celebrate Christmas today remember Christ didn't come to be that lonely light. No far more, He came to be an example for us in a dark world so that we too can be a light bringing peace and hope where all hope is lost and where chaos has run free.

Merry Christmas and may God's light shine in you today!

If you would like to know more about that hope that can change your life, feel free to contact me at the email below. It could save your life. forgedtogether27@gmail.com 

"I Didn't Sign Up for This"

Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes;fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

"I didn't sign up for this..." These are the famous words that my thirteen year old son stated to me in May 2013 as he was talking about the effect that the divorce between his mother and I had on him just two years prior. He continued by saying, "Dad all I wanted was a normal life." It is the words that cuts deep to a parent.

His comment has never left me as I have said much the same over the past 5 plus years as one crazy thing has followed yet another. If you were to follow the journey it was a trip which started in Chicago wondering and asking "God am I where You want me to be?" What I didn't know in the fall of 2003 that it would not lead to where I am today. If I knew where it would have brought me today there is no way I would have signed up for the journey.

In 2003 I felt God moving. I said to Him I will go anywhere as long as it was not Florida or California. God has an odd sense of humor because the place I committed not to go I ended up in; just outside of Orlando, Florida, but that was just the start of the ride I so quickly wanted to exit from.

In the summer of 2004 I moved to central Florida and that is where the ride of my life started (so I thought). My moved happened just 3 short weeks before the first of 3 hurricanes hit central Florida. It is very rare for a hurricane to hit central Florida and unheard of that 3 would hit consecutive in the same season as the last hurricane to hit the Orlando area hadn't happened in over 50 years. My mother-in-law at the time claimed it was God punishing us for moving to Florida as she didn't want us to go.

In 2006 I lost the job that brought me to Florida and consequently started my own business. Things went well for my business as I hired help, got an office and settled in for the long haul. I thought, wrongly, that maybe the economy would slow at worst and didn't expect it to ever fall off a cliff. Who would ever think that something like that could happen as it hadn't happened since the 1920's and our economy is far more stable than that.

By the end 2007 I was forced to close my business. In just 3 months I had more than $50,000 of cancelled contracts and just as much in clients who couldn't or didn't pay, which only compound for even more financial loss over the following 3 years. I was finding myself working 14-16 hours a day for free most of the time. As a result if found myself in bankruptcy by 2008.

If the previous 4 years weren't bad enough the following 6 years only showed me that life can get even worse. Within 18 months of the bankruptcy my house was lost as a result of hurricane storm damage, my wife falsely accused me of domestic violence, filed divorce (after I found her cheating on me), took my 4 kids from me, became unemployed, homeless and spending my days at Starbucks for almost 9 months as I had no other place to go.

To compound matters my former wife refused to allow me to spend time with our kids. She went on a binge of telling the kids lies with hopes of keeping them from me. When it wasn't enough to threaten and scare the kids she stepped things up. As a result she has dragged me into court more than 100 times before more than 4 judges in two different states and two separate child support offices over 5 years in a crazy ongoing case that seems to never stop.

As I was walking the dog this morning I had given more thoughts to this post. If I didn't sign up for this journey, what journey would I have signed up for? Would I have signed up for nothing because the results, different as they may, could have their own negative outcome or would I have traded my experiences for maybe less drama and twists and turns and not become the person it has hence made me?

I don't think the comment of not signing up for the journey we are going through is truly the question.  Looking at it in a little more of a broader scope I think it boils down to what is our desire? The desire is not necessarily peace or lack of journey rather the sense of security and stability. It is that knowing that just because the world is out of control doesn't mean that that is my address, where I live is the place of chronic noise and flashing lights.

As I face finding another place to move next year I reflected where all I have lived in the last 10 years and 20 years. When I was asked the question this week "if you could change anything moving forward what would it be" I couldn't answer that right away.

Yet as I was walking this morning the answer came to me. In the past 6 years I have lived at 11 different addresses. Over the past 20 years I have moved more than 17 years. I am tired of moving. I am tired of not having that place of refuge where I can reside in the safety of rest without chaos. I desire a place I can escape where the journey has eroded who I am and keeps from the best of what God desires of me.

It is not about the journey son as much as it is finding the rest to complete the journey. We all have a journey, but do we have a place to go to catch our breath?

Chasing After the Rainbow

July 27, 2014

 

“Chasing After the End of the Rainbow”

Genesis 9:12-17
God continued, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and everything living around you and everyone living after you. I’m putting my rainbow in the clouds, a sign of the covenant between me and the Earth. From now on, when I form a cloud over the Earth and the rainbow appears in the cloud, I’ll remember my covenant between me and you and everything living, that never again will floodwaters destroy all life. When the rainbow appears in the cloud, I’ll see it and remember the eternal covenant between God and everything living, every last living creature on Earth.”

Rainbows are one of the most beautiful things of nature.

In the 17th century Irish folklore told the story that if you can find your way to the end of the rainbow you can find a pot of gold. The story went on further to say that you need to be careful as there is a leprechaun who guards the pot of gold who can take the gold if you don't catch him.

Have you gone through life looking for that pot of gold? Maybe you have said if I can get to the end of the rainbow and bi-pass the problem I am in life would be so much better only to see the end eludes us or worse off the rainbow disappears and the storm rolls back in for round two?

I too have wondered if I can get to the end of the rainbow. I mean after all things can be pretty rough, maybe just a little more money can resolve the problem or keeping the rainbow will allow the storms to disappear.

In Genesis 9, God makes a promise. The promise was a reminder through a rainbow. The promise was not for prosperity or success. It was not even for the storms never to come. The promise was so we understood that we would be faced with the storms, but not be destroyed as a result. It was a promise that He is by our side through the storm.

Too often we look for the hope in the storm but forget to look up at the rainbow and remember that God has our backs.

Five years ago I went through the darkest time of my life. Just before this journey, I told God I would serve Him regardless the journey or trial. I never expected what was before would either be the most unimaginable thing I could possibly experience or even drag on as long as it has. In fact I thought the storm would not only crush me but kill me. In some ways it did, it killed the man I used to be and made room for new life.

Not everyone goes through the journey of loosing everything all at once with the fond memory of it reminding you of the lose. Even those have experienced the similar survive through the process. I lost my job, marriage, family, hopes, dreams; everything. I was looking for the end of the rainbow and it only eluded me the greater I searched.

This morning as I headed into church I didn't know what service was going to be about as we have been having guest pastors come as the lead pastor is on vacation. The man who came was talking about the transformation God did in his life. One comment he made as he prayed was....God let us keep our eyes on You as we walk through the storms. May we be able to walk on the flood waters as the storms come as we fix our eyes on You.

Fixing our eyes on Him allows us to walk on the flood waters when the storms come. How profound!

That is the promise! The hope we have been given is fixed in his promise. Because we are people who by nature, are afraid to move forward without promise and security that all would be okay we are not included to move forward. God knew that. That is why He gave the rainbow; to remind us to keep moving forward.

It is God's desire to progress forward. It is not His desire to just find the end of the rainbow and enjoy the splendor.

Paul wrote to the church of Philippi about running the race. In chapter 3 he writes that we need to understand there are hard times and we need to keep on course pressing forward. He continues on and says that the direction we are going May seem like we have clouded vision, but hang in there as God will bring you clarity in due time.

It is so easy to give up the race. We find ourselves tired, distracted, in pain or even board. I get it. Those who have accomplished greatness ahead of us (Jefferson, Edison, Einstein, Washington, Lincoln, MKL, FDR) succeeded because they never relented on the vision, cause and the hope for a better future with a greater purpose and some of them it even cost their lives.

Remember next time when all hope seems lost, the flood waters come rushing in that you need to keep pressing on because your purpose is greater than you can imagine. The next time you see a rainbow remember God is saying, "I've got your back!" What better promise can you have than that?

CAL

Praying for Our Leaders

James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” 

As a devotion and time in the Word of God so important in our lives, so are our fervent prayers. 
Waking up this morning, my heart was entrapped yet again by the questions of God’s plans, His direction and how He is moving. As I opened up the Bible on my smart phone I was welcomed to the account of Saul and his first encounter with Samuel. The story, which can be found in 1 Samuel 7-9, opens up with Israel wanting to be just like the surrounding countries and not being satisfied with the leadership set up God had instituted which was having district judges who would keep the communities accountable to the righteousness of God. The people thought this assimilation would give them an advantage over the Philistines and ward them off from battle. 

Samuel was so frustrated thinking that this was a rejection of himself and God and his position which was given to him. God had to remind him that this was not about Samuel but about an attack on God and His people. He told Samuel that if this is what the people want then they need to understand that there are consequences to their actions. 

As Samuel was to go up and give sacrifice God reveals to him that a man was to come to him and it was this man who he was to anoint as king over Israel. So as Saul was looking for some donkeys of his father he comes in path of Samuel to as if he could talk to God and help him find the donkeys. Samuel anoints Saul as king yet Saul, even though he was tall and handsome and looked to have everything together, he tells Samuel that he is from the smallest tribe and does not have much to offer. 

The sad thing is Saul does not finish strong even though he started in humbled beginnings. As a result of greed, disobedience and trying to force God into his plans, he lost God’s blessings both for himself and future generations within his own line and heritage. 

As I sat to reflect on the leadership roles that we have, I have found yet another leader has fallen this weekend. In just the past four years I have seen many pastors and leaders being adversely effected being on the front line. Some of these pastors I have known well while others I have known of and enjoyed their teachings as they have been strongly blessed by God and have come from humble beginnings all of their own. Some have been leaders of a few while others have been leaders of thousands. Some have been caught in infidelity while others have been adversely affected by tragedies such as deaths in their families. 
My heart sinks as yet another pastor and leader falls and steps down from the post of leadership. So the questions start to flow as this happens just before a large movement and gathering for God is about to happen. What is God doing? What do you do now? But the real question is “Am I praying for God’s movement and His leadership?” Am I willing to sit back in silence and prayer asking for God to move in ways we cannot even imagine? 

So often we ask God to give us a leader. So often though when we get what we have asked for we forget to go to the next step. We put all of our trust in the humanity of the one at the post, but forget to pray for the one who has the bull’s eye on themselves and their families. We forget if we struggle in our marriage, our family and our health that our leaders, pastors and volunteers are twice as susceptible to these turmoils.  The enemy looks to take out the family whether it is our physical family or our spiritual family. If he takes out the leader he can scatter the flock. It is military strategy that has been practiced for centuries. If you undermine the father or mother or pastor you take down the family and those under that authority. 

So what do you do about it? According to James there are two steps. The first is at all ties we must make ourselves accountable to others so we may be able to confess our sins, great or small to another who can see God’s growth and refinement in our lives. Second we must always be praying for our leaders.  

So how hard are you praying? Do you pray for your pastors, the leaders of your community, the teachers who are interfacing with your children on a daily basis anf those parents who you just saw dedicating their child last Sunday (which you made an oath to hold the parents up in prayer and keep them accountable for the growth of their child). Yes we may have much going on in our lives, but without the fervent prayers and accountability we cannot finish strong. 

As James says, we are only human but if we are in prayer we through God are a force to be reckoned with. Keep in mind he didn’t just stop there. He states that being in prayer and accountable we are to spur on each other and not write of those who have fallen or are struggling in the faith. 

Who knows, you may just be one of the ones who is in need of being rescued.

CAL