The Art of Forgiveness

The Art of Forgiveness

Matthew 18:21-35 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “

Earlier this week a friend asked me the very basis of what today's sermon at church just happened to be: 'How do I forgive someone who has violated and victimized me?'

This is such a powerful topic as all of us struggle with it at some point in life. Maybe you struggle forgiving one who borrowed money but has not paid you back or maybe the infraction is far worse like unfaithfulness in a marriage, abuse or taking the life of a loved one, we all struggle with forgiveness but how do we get to the point of forgiving someone who we feel doesn't deserve it by the actions they have made? To understand this we must understand what forgiveness truly is.

What is forgiveness I think is what should be asked. I love this definition of forgiveness:

"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."

Forgiveness is a life long process that is a choice. It is not something that we can just do and move on rather it is an intentional act that we must choose each day. There are some days it is easy yet other days we may get consumed by the injustice at hand. When the lack of forgiveness consumes our very thoughts it becomes a distraction that becomes our central focus where we loose a semblance of those things which are good, true and just. It becomes a distraction where we struggle to function in a proper way; in the greater plan God calls us to live. The lack of forgiveness also locks us in chains where the closest friends we end up having are victimization on the right and depression on the left, but breaking those chains frees us from victimization and depression where we can live life to the full.

Jesus continued in Matthew 18 with an example of what unforgiveness can do to someone:

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Early on in my divorce I struggled with forgiveness. I was more concentrated on 'why' my ex did what she did and tried to make sense of what may make no sense rather than giving the issue to God and trust Him to deal with that which I didn't understand. In doing so I found that forgiveness was something not in my vocabulary or at least at the level God calls us to do and made me very frustrated. I had to stand back and understand the very basis of forgiveness: my trust in God.

It lead to one simple question 'Do I trust God in all things?' At my church we do a benediction were it is simply put 'we are called to live an upward, inward outward life.' It was not until I understood to full scope was I able to understand the full scope of forgiveness. Early on I felt that it was maybe a bit corny only to understand that this is so tied to forgiveness I could not believe I found a necessary key that I was starting to put together yet didn't fully grasp.

Let me explain a little more in depth what an upward, inward, outward life means.  We are called to be

-Upward: we are in tune with our relationship with God. Without a proper relationship with God it is impossible to forgive. When our relationship is in tune with God we have the ability to trust His goodness, His plan for our lives and the love He has for us. As a parent your love for your children is unconditional. We love them regardless of their choices and actions yet as a child we feel we are entitled to as we do or make excuses for wrong or hold onto our grudges as we have been violated but as a parent we cover our kids with grace and compassion so we can teach them how to live a right life and be that example of forgiveness of grace to others. So if we as parents desire our children to learn the lesson of grace and forgiveness just imagine how much more God desires for us to learn that by forgiving us.

Inward: It is not until we learn what God has done for us can we understand the inward transformation. There are many times we may understand God's grace and forgiveness yet are unable to forgive others simply because we cannot forgive ourselves. We each carry around a bag of broken pieces but don't realize that God can take those colored shards of glass and make an epic stained glass window that will reflect His light through in order to show you beauty through your brokenness. Carrying around our brokenness can be the number one stumbling block where forgiveness for others cannot happen and can be the root of bitterness towards another.

Outward: After we understand God's forgiveness and be able to forgive ourselves and go through the healing process needed for our brokenness can we forgive and love others. Through the understand of brokenness, healing and forgiveness we are given a gift that frees others from the bondage and chains of unforgiveness.

We are called to Love God fully, Love ourselves correctly then Love others compassionately (upward, inward, outward).

One thing I have been reminded over the past many years is something that happened more than 13 years ago. It was the birth of my youngest son. Seeing he would be my last child I wanted to name him as a testament of God's grace. Even 13 years later I marvel at what God put on my heart then and how true my boy is today with God's promise. I know some would think I was silly for naming my son to have the initials "JC," but I felt that was important. His name means "God heard my prayer and has become my salvation." When we learn God's forgiveness it is then that we can understand He has also become our deliverer breaking those chains that have tied us to bitterness and victimization.

What is holding you down where you are struggling with unforgiveness? Can you forgive that person today and tomorrow and the next day to see what God can do in and through you?

CAL